


There's Someone In My Head, But It's Not Me

by The_Problematic_Blender



Series: "This is going to Hell in a hand basket real fast!" [17]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Grand Theft Auto Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fake AH Crew, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Psychosis, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-29 11:02:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6372226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Problematic_Blender/pseuds/The_Problematic_Blender
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trevor's off the one thing he needed in life to appear sane.</p><p>And now there's no way in hell he has a bare resemblance to that.<br/> </p><p>(HEAVY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND PSYCHOSIS. PLEASE CONTINUE WITH CAUTION.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's Someone In My Head, But It's Not Me

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER- In case you didn't read the description, this story is written from the view as someone suffering from suicidal thoughts because of psychosis. Two things because of this, one, I am not someone who has psychosis so I could be playing up the drama horribly or not enough at all (I doubt the latter). And two, this is a fanfiction that if you can be triggered via suicidal thoughts, you will be triggered in the first paragraph. Please proceed with caution, and be safe.
> 
> To anyone that has psychosis, I apologize if I demonized this illness. I was talking with a friend and I just wanna be creative with how I hurt the people I love the most.
> 
> Finally, I do this thing were I get really into my writing and my body will mimic what I write. Like I will have ghosts pains or if I think about it for a microscopic moment, I'll cry. That being said, I got the biggest headache from this fucking story. Holy hell.
> 
> So have fun down there!

Trevor gripped the bathroom counter, trying to get ahold of his thoughts. His breathing was labored, like he just sprinted across he city, but he barely moved enough to make it a fraction of what it was.

(Just fucking kill yourself, you don't deserve to be here.)

Shut up.

[Its just gonna get worse and worse, kill yourself now, save Jeremy the trouble.]

Shut up.

(You aren't strong enough, lock the door and slit your wrists.)

I SAID SHUT UP.

"Trevor?" Trevor jumps, and he knows Jeremy flinched behind him. Trevor looks at Jeremy's reflection in the mirror.

"Sorry, sorry sorry sorry." Trevor's words slur together in the quick repetition, and Trevor wants to bang his head against the wall.

(Do it.)

Not the time, asshole.

"It's my fault for startling you." Jeremy says, wrapping himself around Trevor. Jeremy's warm body against his restless one strikes up a new wave of hate.

[Look at him, pretending he loves you.]

He does.

(Ha! Good one!)

Shut up, for the love of god.

"Trevor?" Jeremy's voice break him out from his mental argument.

"Sorry, did you say something?" Trevor asks sheepishly.

"I asked how you're doing." Trevor takes a minute to process what Jeremy said with bad cop and worse cop in his head, yelling at him. God he has such a headache.

"Managing." Trevor finally replies, looking down at his hands. His knuckles are white from the vice grip he has on the counter, and somehow he's still shaking. "Managing, managing. When do I get my prescription refilled?"

"You went too fast at the end there, dear." Jeremy says patiently, and Trevor exhales angrily before trying again.

"My, my medicine?" Trevor doesn't trust himself to say anything else, and is glad Jeremy gets the gist.

"A few days." Jeremy answers, and Trevor feels empty. He’s trapped. Trapped in this hell.

(Kill yourself now, save yourself the pain.)

No, I can't.

"Dear, you're mumbling." Jeremy says, once again tearing him away from his thoughts.

"What?" Trevor knows Jeremy is saying something, but for the life of him, can't process it.

"You're mumbling." He repeats, and somehow it gets through. Trevor hates himself.

[He doesn't even love you.]

Yes, he does.

[Why would he?]

I d-

[You've done nothing to deserve his love, and you haven't even earned it. You think he would love someone like you?]

Shut up.

[You're insane.]

(You torture people with a smile on your face.)

[You can't even feel pain.]

(You cause Jeremy so much pain in reverse.)

[He worries about you, because he can't leave you alone, otherwise you will somehow kill yourself.]

(Kill yourself.)

[Kill yourself.]

(Kill yourself.)

"I'm gonna kill myself!" Trevor blurts out, and he can feel Jeremy tense up around him. God he hates himself.

"Trevor-"

"I-I can't do this, I can't do this! Jeremy, I'm going to kill myself, kill myself. Jeremy, please, I can't! I can't keep listening to them! I can't, I can't I can't I can't! Jeremy, please, help me, help me please please _please."_ A dry sob wracks Trevor's body. Trevor's completely shaking at this point, the voices echoing louder and louder and he can't take it, he knows he is going to do something he'll regret, and he's scared. He won't be able to control himself and he's going to kill himself and why are the voices so damn _loud!?_ They just keep repeating their mantra of hatred, and it keeps getting louder and louder and louder. His head feels like it's going to shatter, shatter into a million pieces. He needed to kill himself, anything to shut up those _god damned voices!_

"Trevor!" Jeremy yells, over the voices, over a third voice, all three continuing again and again and again. "Trevor, please! Snap out of it, please!" Trevor realizes it's his voice, the third voice, him repeating the words the other two voices are spitting at him. Is it actually him? Is there a third voice now? Trevor can't tell anymore, and Jeremy keeps yelling, begging over the voices in his head. Are they in his head? Or are people yelling at him? Are others in the bathroom, screaming the angry phrase with venom dripping into their voice, getting louder and louder and louder, until its almost deafening? And how is Jeremy still able to yell over them? What even is Jeremy saying? Trevor feels like he needs to know, a feeling in his gut that tells him he needs to.

But everything is too quick, too fast, too loud, Trevor can't keep up. Jeremy is doing something, something to stop the other voices, but Trevor can't understand what. Jeremy is trying to help Trevor, trying to save him from the voices. Isn't he? Or has he joined in now too? Repeating the loathful command, hoping he kills himself? Jeremy wouldn't have to deal with him, he wouldn't have to worry about Trevor anymore. Trevor needed a gun, something quick to end this torment.

Trevor goes to move, but something prevents him from doing so, an iron grip on his lower arms. Trevor tries to pull away, and when he can't, he screams, twisting and turning as he tried to pull away from what held him. He's pulled to the floor, and he screams louder, hoping that the monster that has him will let go. It doesn't, as Trevor slips onto the floor, thanks to his socks and the slippery floor. Trevor doesn't stop trying to pull away, screaming as the voices continue on. His head his pounding so loud it has become a beat to the voices' mantra, and Trevor just wants to kill himself, _why can't he kill himself?_

"Let me go!" Trevor begs. "Please, please let me go, I need to kill myself, kill myself, kill myself, kill myself!" Trevor barely notices someone else talking, not in the mantra of the voices. It's not him, either, he doesn't think. It doesn't sound like him, and whoever it is sounds distressed.

"Trevor, snap out of it!" The person yells, the person knows Trevor. Does he know the person? "Trevor, listen to me, please." The person begs, and Trevor's head hurts even more as he tries to process the words of the other person. He manages, somehow, they want him to listen to them? While a monster holds him down? Why aren't they helping him?

"Who are you!?" Trevor yells out, hoping for a response. There is silence, and Trevor repeats himself.

"Jeremy!" They yell, and Trevor stops his fighting, focusing on that name. He heard of it before, he knows that name, but where? The silence provokes the other to continue, and Trevor notices how they have begun to cry. "I'm your boyfriend! We live in a penthouse in a city called Los Santos! We live with our best friends!" This Jeremy person takes a deep breath, trying to calm themselves. "We have know each other since we were 19, that was more than five years ago! You're Trevor Collins, you're 25 now, and you have CIPA and psychosis! You were afraid to tell me about it because you thought I wouldn't love someone who heard voices unless they took medication, but I didn't care! I love you so fucking much, Trevor! Please, snap out of this, I can't see you like this, it hurts me!"

"I'm sorry!" Trevor yells back, noticing how it is easier to understand what they're saying, what Jeremy was saying.

"Can you come back to me?" Jeremy asks, and Trevor doesn't know how to respond.

"This doesn't feel real." Trevor says, and then one of the voices drops the mantra, now repeating 'this isn't real.' Trevor repeats what the voice says. "This isn't real! This isn't real! This isn't real!"

"Yes it is!" Jeremy interrupts. "Trevor, please trust me! This is real life, I am real, I am here, and I'm here for you!"

[He lies!]

"You're lying!" Trevor tries to pull away again, but the grip of whoever remains strong. Was it Jeremy, or was it a monster? "Let me go! You're lying you're lying you're lying!" Whoever has him pulls him closer, and Trevor screams, twisting and turning and pulling like a fish stuck on land. Trevor's pulled into an embrace, hands moving from his now bruised arms to around him, wrapping warmly around him and being pulled against whoever held up. Trevor continued to scream, trying to escape, to shove away the other person.

"Trevor, stop!" Jeremy commands.

"You're a lier! You're not real! Let me kill myself!"

"Trevor, if you kill yourself, I'll kill myself!" The words hit a button inside of Trevor he didn't know he had. The blood in his veins turn icy as the voices immediately fell silent, the room becoming deathly quiet, besides the winded breathing of him and... and Jeremy. Jeremy, who was clutching Trevor tightly and crying against Trevor's shirt. Trevor feels Jeremy's heartbeat, and it's just as erratic as his, and it wasn't from holding Trevor down.

"I'm sorry." Trevor says quietly, thinking about how scared Jeremy must of been. Trevor knows he should be crying, but he can't, he's physically unable to.

"Are you back?" Jeremy asks.

"I'm back." Trevor says, and is surprised no voice shows up for a snarky comment. Jeremy openly sobs now, not letting go as he bawls into Trevor's shirt. Trevor wraps his own arms around Jeremy, letting the younger man cry out everything.

"I was so scared." His words are muffled, and Trevor nearly misses them, taking even longer to understand what he said. "You kept saying that you were going to kill yourself, over and over again, and when you moved... I... I can't lose you."

"I'm sorry." Trevor says again. "The voices in my head, they got too loud." Trevor reaches a hand up to smooth Jeremy's hair, trying to ground himself to enough sensations. "I can't wait for my meds, I can't wait. I can't wait."

"Do you want me to see if Caleb can get you some ahead of time?" Jeremy asks, and Trevor nods after processing his words.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"I love you, Trevor."

"I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> Symptoms of Psychosis written include:  
> Agitation, nonsense word repetition, racing thoughts, thoughts of suicide, unwanted thoughts, difficulty thinking and understanding, lack of restraint, persistent repetition of words or actions, limited range of emotions, fear, hearing voices, depression, incoherent speech, rapid and frenzied speaking, and confusion.
> 
> Now why don't you caress that kudos button like a soft lover, make a kudos button feel special today, and maybe leave a comment on how the writer is a fucking awful person. Or maybe you're just going to make sweet, sweet love to the kudos button.


End file.
